Why do men forget birthdays and anniversaries?
The seeming inability of men to remember important dates continues to be a major cause of pain in relationships and a leading cause of sleeping alone. Since the beginning of time women have been asking the question : Are men ignorant, hurtful beasts who take their wives and girlfriends completely for granted or are they tragic, pitiful beings with a genetic inability to do the right thing?
Dr Herb Goldberg, a Psychologist and author of What Men Still Don't Know About Women, Relationships, and Love
In earlier times that meant hunting dangerous game and defending the homestead from marauding tribes but today is more likely to mean getting that promotion and ensuring that Jones from sales doesn't get it. Dr Goldberg says that a man who forgets an anniversary or birthday is not being cruel or deliberately hurtful, especially if other aspects of the relationship are sound, but is disconnected from the personal realm by his focus on the external realm. Men can become so focused on things outside of the relationship - work, sport, hobbies/interests that they become "blind" to everything else.
This blindness isn't just a willful ignorance either. Divorced men are often bewildered by what happened to their relationships. They'll say things like "I had no idea it was coming" and "I don't know what I did wrong : I was a good husband and father, I worked hard to provide for my family".
Dr Goldberg notes that many men have excellent memories of these important dates in the early days of the relationship while they are still focused on winning their partners affection but as time passes their attention moves away to new challenges and they may forget what was once so easy and natural to remember.
While this explanation seems convenient for men, "It's not my fault Honey! I'm not genetically prepared to remember your birthday!" it also suggests that the women in their lives should be providing more "challenge" at home - an idea bound to make any man very uncomfortable! Whether you accept the explanation put forward by Dr Goldberg or not, treating this problem as a serious blind-spot and compensating for it accordingly is still a good idea.
Fortunately the cure is very simple : Buy a calendar and mark the important dates. Make a habit of checking the calendar every day and preparing for those dates in advance. How long does it take to buy a card? Flowers? A gift?
It may also be a good idea to persuade your wife or girlfriend that you really don't mind heavy hints like "Since next Friday is my birthday, I thought we could try that new restaurant.." or "For our wedding anniversary on October 17th this year I think I'd like..."
Alternatively sign-up to AutomaticRomantic's reminder service and get automated reminder emails for all your major birthdays and anniversaries. Set it, so you don't forget it. Never have to spend another wedding anniversary in the spare bedroom, on the sofa or in the doghouse again.
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Let's just men yet more excuses for being "forgetful" - Mine just forgot my birthday - and HIS excuse was he didn't have it written down in his planner with everyone esle's birthdays!! Now, that didn't make me feel any better - only made me feel worse - gosh, you couldn't notice when you were writing down everyone's birthdays in your new planner that someone's was missing????? Seems, to me men remember what they want to - like when the next sporting event is going to be on tv!!!
Women can be so hypocritcal about this, they expect us to remember things and dates that are important to THEM, but they could care less about things that are important to us. How many wives even understand the excitement about that winning touchdown, out alone who won the superbowl last year. Not that either side is in the wrong, just each sex remembers differnt types of facts.
Once again, my husband forgot my birthday, and once again it hurts my heart. His birthday is just four days away, and I always remember his. I don't want or need fancy dinners, expensive gifts or even a card . . . just for him to tell me "Happy Birthday." Twenty-one years we've been together, the last 14 forgotten. Maybe it's time to move on.
I am reconsidering whether I want to marry my fiance because he totally blew me and my daughters off on the Sunday after Thanksgiving. We had had plans to decorate our Christmas tree that day.
The explanation is great for adults. Now, how do you explain this to four-year-olds who had gotten all excited about tree decorating with future-step-daddy only to have to hear, "Sorry babies. He just doesn't have time for us today"?
If a man doesn't worry about disappointing you on the little things, he sure won't have a problem disappointing you on the big ones.
Yeah. I'm calling off the wedding.
I wouldn't forget the birthday of my wife or kids! If you think that's not more important than a BALL GAME then you're a moron.
well my annivery was awful i got my husband every thing he wanted i toke him out 3 times an paid an bookd a all inculsive holiday n box ov choclates an didnt even wish me happy anniversy at all no even a card it is so hurtfull an i no wa u women are goin though
I was married to a man who forgot my birthday for so many years, finally we parted. Last year my "someone special", who I know in all fairness does have a bad memory, sent me a text first thing on my birthday wishing me a Happy Birthday and I got a card and pressie. This year nothing. Spoke to him earlier and when he realised it was my birthday he was upset since then I have not heard from him all day !
Yea well today my bf just realized tht it was our 20th month anniversary. I hate it when he forgets I never ask any thing in return just " happy anniversary:)" nothing more. Dont guys and men like seeing there wives or girlfriends happy??? I think not. It doesn't got to be something you buy in a a expensive store it can be just a peace of paper tht says "I love you".
I SCHEDULE A ROMANTIC DINNER FOR MY 1YR ANNIVERSARY WITH MY BF WENT OUT AND GOT HIM A BOTTLE OF JHONNY WALKER BLUE LABEL AND A CARD. SO HE NEW OUR ANNIVERSARY WAS COMING.. THE DAY CAME WE WENT OUT TO A NICE DINNER THE NEXT DAY WE WENT TO THE BEACH I TOOK OFF TO SPEND IT WITH HIM AND WHAT HE GET ME NOTHING!!! I WASN'T EXPECTING AN EXPENSIVE GIFT BUT A CARD THIS ONLY HAPPENS ONCE.. HIS EXCUSE WAS I WAS CLEANING MY PLACE AND DOING MY LAUNDRY AND I DIDN'T HAVE TIME. I HAD BEEN PUTTING HINTS ALL THE TIME THAT THE DAY WAS COMING UP I EVEN SET IT UP ON HIS PHONE CALENDAR TO ME WAS HE DOESN'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT ME TO REMEMBER.
My Husband has not done anything for my birthday in 7 years without first being reminded it actually is my birthday and to be honest at that point, I am over it and don't really care to do anything with him to celebrate me.
I always remember his birthday, and make sure our Kids do as well... but I guess I am not important enough to remember...
My ex and I could not remember the exact day we started dating...so we picked a day that sounded about right. We made it an easy date to remember. Aug 23rd. His B-day is Nov 23rd. So the number 23 would be easiest for him to remember. He kept forgetting the date of my birthday so I wanted to make sure I was not hurt by his bad memory.
Well he forgot. We were together 2 yrs.. On our anniv not only did he forget but he worked on his ex gf's pc and was too busy to talk to me.
I waited several days before bringing it up. Wanted to see if he would remember. After 3-4 days I knew that was not going to happen. Anyway I cried, told him how I felt.. He said I set him up by not reminding him, blamed me. He also hung up the phone on me. He had to get up early to go boating the next day.
I decided to end it. It's one thing to forget but when you see you hurt your partner, you should at least say sorry, go buy flowers, show some sort of caring...
Do any guys out there really care if someone remembers their birthday? When my girl brings up the fact that she remembered mine, I really don't care. I would rather you remember that I suck at remembering birthdays. :)
My anniversary is tomorrow, about a month ago I told my husband I would rather just let the day pass unaknowleged because last year at this time my husband got the 7 year itch, or needed an ego boost and had a fling with someone at work. It took months for me to forgive him and this whole year to be able to trust him again... he responded, then just let it pass then.. I really didn't mean that, I was just venting, now I think he is probably going to ignore our day tomorrow..if he does I am going to be very heartbroken AGAIN.
My husband doesn't forget, he just doesn't care. He hunts every year for our anniversary, keep in mind he didn't hunt when we got married or I wouldn't have married him that day. Birthday's and holidays are just another day. Christmas, I have to be Santa or my kids wouldn't see Santa. Mothers Day, Valentines day, same thing. It is all moot point to him
We have been together for 4 years, married for 2 years. But, I have never recieved anything from him on any anniversary, even a "happy birthday" or "happy valentines day" or something like that. 3 days ago was our 2nd wedding anniversary and it turned out a heartbreaking night. That day he got home late, still nothing as usual. He just said sorry that he had been too busy at work. Fair enough, I didnot complain, I still kissed him and prepared a nice dinner with candle, red wine and flower. While I was trying to make our little boy sleep so that we could have the night together alone, he had dinner be himself. When I came back to the dining room, the light was turned on, the bottle was openned, candle was taken away and he was in the sofa watching an action movie that I hate so much. I was so heartbroken that I couldnt say a word to him. I just sit down to have dinner on my own. When I was just about to cry, he saw it and started yelling at me "what's your problem?". OMG, I am really sick of him. I just wanna leave him to come to someonelse. My ex-bf always wants me back to him. There's another sweet man I just met few months ago, who really has crush on me and he seems to be a very good man. But, despite of how many time my husband hurts my feeling, I just cant hurt him as I know he loves me so much. But, love is just not enough without caring.
I guess men are quite different from us. They are not wired to remember such things. I have also many occasion with a friend who was a very close friend. And he doesnt remember it at all. And when i remind him he says i am sorry but i never forget his birthday. But i have decided to accept that men are like that it is not because they dont care but they are very bad with remembering thing. And we need to accept it. If they dont remeber their birthday I dont expect them to remember mine.
So I prefer to conclude that we are different than getting angry everytime he doesnt remember things.
Men will always be men...
It's our first wedding anniversary this Thursday and I've been giving him lot's of hints that I want to celebrate that day with just the two of us and to the point of pleading but to no avail... Sometimes I wish I was just born as a guy so I won't have to feel sensitive about this crap. I guess men doesn't really care about these stuff and only a handful of guys know how to make their partners feel special. Too bad I've known some of these guys who are my friends partners. I can only die in envy...
Why is it that everytime men have something going on, women have to put up an extra effort for it?
Yet, men are not expected to pick up the pace for us (unless it's something regarding the creation of a child)...
We have things called organizers, cell phones, calendars, and computers to help men and women remember important dates.
So there really is no excuse.
This sort of evolution theory just gives men an excuse to be lazy. That would be like saying men have to put up more of an effort to get their penis sizes bigger because that's what women prefer.
Over all, this report is sexist. Men are not that helpless that they can remember the date of the Super Bowl, but the people they sleep with don't seem to mean a thing.
I guess when men were evolving, they had the Super Bowl date added into their DNA. Haha!
I have the opposite problem. I've been married for 14 years and my wife has forgotten my birthday numerous times, our anniversary, fathers day a few times. Today is my birthday and here we go again...she forgot. I don't want presents or cards, I just wish she would say, "Happy birthday, I love you". I never ever forget her birthday or our anniversary. I remember our first date and what she wore, what she ordered at dinner, what movie we saw. I remember things things because I love every moment we spend together.
I always have a mug of her favorite tea waiting for her in the morning when she gets out of bed, I do most of the cleaning, ALL of the cooking. I buy her flowers from time to time, just because. I love her very deeply.
Let's face it. Men are inherently VERY selfish. Some a lot more than others. You as a man may have trouble remembering, I'll give you that, but a caring man would acknowledge this short coming and WORK AT IT, or tell his woman "Please remind me when your birthday is coming. I don't want to forget." A kind man would be bothered by this short coming because he understands ITS IMPORTANT TO THE PERSON HE LOVES. Unless of course, you are inherently selfish and just don't care.
That said, do give your guy some slack. My husband never forgets my birthday or our anniversary, but he does forget everyone elses. His mother, father, sisters, nephews... he usually forgets. But, I also noticed he doesn't care much when HE gets birthday cards. He left two unopened cards on the kitchen table for two days from my mom and his grandmother. And as far as bringing gifts to dinner parties, or sending thank you cards or any of the like? Wow, its all a total loss on him. He's just not "wired" with this ability. He's also lousy with appointments, addresses, phone numbers... basically I have become his secretary. Maybe that is why so many executive men have women secretaries.
I guess my only advice to women would be this: Don't let him forget. Keep reminding him a couple weeks before your birthday or anniversary that it is coming and let him know what you want to do or what you want as a present. Let him know in no uncertain terms what it means to you. May not sound very romantic, but its better than being hugely let down. If he STILL doesn't get you something on either day... maybe its time to call a divorce lawyer.
Eh, this looks like overgeneralization to me. I'm a woman and I dont care about things like birthdays or anniversaries. Hell, I would probably be the one to forget such things in a relationship (I have, in the past). My birthday is just a day like any other, pretty overrated in my opinion. I wont be offended if anyone forgets it. Geez. Certainly wouldn't call off a wedding for such a trivial thing, if I cared for weddings in the first place. Some girls really need to take it easy
My husband didn't remember my birthday until my mom phoned to say "Happy Birthday" by then it was too late! He seemed to be more interested in watching CNN. Not only did he not say anything, neither did my 21 year old daughter. Boy do I feel appreciated. I'm tried of men using excuses for everything, they need to step up to the plate and make an effort to remember important dates. I guess next year I should wake up and say to my husband, "morning and Happy Birthday to me"!
You shouldn't have to remind your spouse the date of anniversary or birthdays. If someone in the relationship is forgetful the other person just has to deal with it? Um no. The "forgetful" one or I'm sure its more like "the person who can remember what he/she chooses" needs to work on them self's and stop being so selfish. By the way today is my husbands and mine anniversary and he forgot for the second time. He also has yet to do anything for me for mothers day and our son is 5. Stupid for staying with him? Yes. But Im in school and once Im finished and have a steady income my ass is out.
40 years .....forgot the anniversary again.....you never get use to the selfish nature of men.....it hurts.
Nope, not buying the whole genetic programming excuse. The reality is really that most men are so self-involved that unless you are angry or crying visibly they simply don't care in the slightest what day your birthday is or if they have missed the anniversary yet again. Mine is the pinnacle of this achievement in self-absorbed behavior. He has never been able to take the time to buy a gift for me for any holiday (ANY), and he routinely just assumes that if he doesn't care that I should not care. He also has no problem telling me that shopping is just too much work and that all this is just BS. I mentioned earlier this week to him in a very pleasant comment that today is our wedding anniversary and he just got angry that I reminded him of it. He just rolled his eyes and sighed loudly and asked *what* I wanted to do movie? dinner? or what? Every holiday is the same. To him doing anything at all for me is just too much work and a chore he should not have to deal with.
Don't even try to use this genetic excuse crap. No sale. The men that do this are selfish, narcissistic children who simply won't take responsibility or initiative to care about anyone but themselves. It also obviously speaks to the fact that for most men, they are not really interested in the wife. She is there to cook and clean and in my case make the money so they can play and do what they want.
I dont get it! men should know that the whole gift thing is something that is birthed out of the love, devotion, respect and appreciation and If these things are not visiable in a relationship then where is the love? and why bother to be with someone that doesnt practice love.
I don't think this is true at all.
Males don't have external threats of hunting dangerous game, etc anymore, no more than women have to give birth outside.
So, it's just forgetfulness people.
I would get away from someone that can't remember a simple date.
I THINK MY BOYFRIEND OF 2 1/2 YRS REMEMBERS OUR DATES...BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN I REALLY GET GIFTS, WHEN I TRY GETTING THINGS FOR HIS BIRTHDAY TO MAKE HIM FEEL SPECIAL. BUT HE SEEMS TO "FORGET" TO TELL ME WHEN ANOTHER GIRL IS TEXTING HIM, CERTAIN MOVIES ARE FOUND AND AFTER A FEW MONTHS HE FORGOT HIS BROTHER LEFT THEM THERE, AND HE HAS HAD THEM HIDDEN FROM ME,YA FORGOT, IS THE MOST RETARDED EXCUSE I HAVE EVER HEARD. TO ME ITS MORE LIKE NOT CARING, AND YES THERE ARE MORE THINGS HE FORGETS ABOUT BUT IM NOT WRITING THAT LIST. WE ARE SUPPOSED TO ALSWAYS KEEP OUR MAN INFORMED OF PLANS AND WHERE WE GO BLA BLA , BUT DO THEY HAVE THE SLIGHTEST RESPECT BACK...? hELL TO NO! IM NOT ENGAGED YET(IF HE PLANS TO ..WHO KNOWS)SO MOVING HIM OUT OF MY LIFE IF THIS STUPIDNESS DOESNT STOP, AND HE CAN FORGET ALL HE WANTS WHEN IM NOT AROUND AND BE HAPPY BY HIMSELF WITH HIS PATHETIC VIDEO GAMES AND SYSTEM, HOWS THAT SOUND GUYS?!!!! YOU BETTER START THINKING MORE OR WOMEN ARE GOING TO LEAVE ALL YOUR SORRY ASS'S AND YOU WILL BE ALONE AND UNHAPPY.
i guess i'm not important enough to remember :( he's so insensitive!
I usually enjoy drinking and going out with my mates and riding my bike.
I forgot her bday the other day cos I was out with the boi's init blood.
My bike is more important then that biotch.
Here's why such books are a crock of excuses for bad behavior. First of all, it's not that hard to understand that different things are important for different folks and that this can impact dramatically what you remember. Any reasonable person can accept this. BUT (and here's where I think the rationalizing for bad behavior begins) when your significant other lets you know, in many cases, year after year that your forgetting their birthday (a kind of significant ritual in many cultures, ours included), or something important to them--and that doing so hurts them, angers them, pisses them off, or whatever--and you do nothing to AVOID repeating such a mistake the following year or to MAKE UP FOR the following day, then you're just a self centered jerk, to put it mildly. This kind of behavior has nothing to do with merely forgetting or simply not holding such events as important as the significant other, because, again, if that were the case, then a reasonable
person would expect the forgetful but considerate and caring-of-what's important-to-their-significant-other-person to set their iPhone or droid to remind them of it next year, or to, at the very least, make up for it the following day! I think such behavior is indicative of a larger issue, a world view even. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.
Forgetting or ignoring anniversaries shows a lack of caring.
People remember whats important to them. It is not the gift that matters but the thought behind it. A man who really loves a woman will remember their anniversary and if he really forgot it he will try dearly to make it up to her when realized.
Doesn't take much to say you are sorry for hurting someones feelings.
Imagine if men used to complain like this when their wives or girlfriends forgot who their favourite players or teams are, or if their women forgot their favourite tv shows or whatever, but do you see men complain, NOOOOO. WOMEN!!!!! Now those who want to separate/divorce because he forgets your important dates, what will you do when you marry someone else and he forgets to say Good Morning or Good Night, you will also divorce him? Pfffft
Hints DON'T work! Men forget because their focus has changed to marriage, family, home, job etc. As the nature of man is not that of a women who feels emotionally connected to dates of significance. That does not mean he loves you less. If he's forgetful, remind him - not in a demeaning way - acknowledging something special that you two alone have, and that you are looking forward to it.
Waiting for him to forget then berate him for it does not help a marriage. After all two people, before witnesses and in the sight of God, vowed to put each other first. Loving reminders go a very long way, ladies. And I am sure that your husband may forget the date, he hasn't forgotten you.
my husband forgot our anniversary ..i felt so pain about that..
i nvr forget his birtday or any spl occations bt my husband alwys forfet every things..& he dnt be a kind 2 give me a excuses..in these spl days im alwys spend my time with tears..
I think its funny that many women don't buy the genetic disposition to forget such things in men, and yet its OK for women to have a genetic disposition to be agressive and mean once a month..
Bottom line Everyone wants to feel loved...when someone doesnt show it by expressing birthdays and so on .... the word they need to learn is CONSIDERATE!
i don't ask my husband for anything even when i need something at the store like a coke. he forgot valentines day and our one year anniversary that followed. i'm not working but with my small income return i bought him a little something for both holidays. hey even a card would do. think all girls need to change to lesbians. at least we'd be remembered. :(
2 weeks ago I cut out of the newspaper something that I wanted for my birthday. I said, "This is what I want, the name of the store on the paper and how much it costs." My birthday is circled in Orange on the calendar. He tells me today (my b'day is tomorrow) that he didn't get me anything, not even a card. I told him how disappointed I was and he got mad at ME! Now, he is asleep in another room and I am watching Gone With The Wind for the 999th time.
We have been married for 28 years. The last 3 or 4 years it has gotten increasingly worse. No Valentine's, Christmas or Birthday. I can't take it anymore!
Well, I just forgot my 2 year anniversary today, & well let's just say tonight's been hell. Silent treatment then loud talk then back to silent treatment. I'm pretty positive i'll be sleeping on the couch for awhile. But I just wanted to say to some people dates aren't important as it is to others. Some live for remembering dates. I personally need a hint or reminder a day or two in advance
Well,he 4got my birthday *and was later texting me around 9pm in the evening he's sorry he 4got it' i quote him' i may forget ur day,but u mean so much 2 me. It sound stupid,ow does he xpect me believe i mean so much 2 him?
My birthday was last Sunday and I had reminded him about it a week earlier. He promised to take me out of town for the weekend and I canceled a planned party with my girlfriends. I did my hair and shopped all Friday but he neither called nor showed up. Then he called yesterday, two days later, and his first words were "are you angry?" Like what does he think! I know I could never forgive him
In my house, my husband will remember everyone's birthday from his side of the family! He will start the day before to make sure he sends the greetings the next day..which he does. When my birthday arrives..not even an acknowledgement. I don't need presents, just a simple 'happy birthday' would make my day! Last year he forgot all together so he promised this year he will definetly wont. He was on about it for 2 wks leading up to yesterday. So I want to know why hes family is more important than me? He doesnt see or hear from them much, yet I do everything for him. I am thinking from now on maybe I should not do anything for his birthday. Sounds like a good plan.
Ah man i couldnt agree more, its terrible,i love my girlfriend so much,and i always think ok next week is our anniversary,and then before i know it i wake up on that day,rush to work and get blasted by alot of other stuff until she eventualy corners me and i feel extremely bad,because i truly forgot!